What Happened Last Night ?
by jet raven
Summary: What begins as a casual conversation with her grandfather leaves Renesme seriously worrying about the old gits sanity! What the hell DID happen last night , and were did she really get this bump from and why is the most sensable member of her family suddenly acting like a complete loonbag ? And most importantly IN WHAT WORLD IS E.J CULLEN THE WISEST OF ALL BEINGS ?


**Ok**

**I'm not going to wine at you that this is my first fanfic**

_though it is _

**and that you should be really nice and review**

_though you should_

**and if you dont review i will i will burn your housed to the ground because i know where you live**

**CUZ I DO !**

**p.s I don't own twilight**

BASED ON A RANDOM CONFORSATION THAT I HAD WITH MY MATE .

enjoy.

What Happened Last Night?

Renesme flopped down on the garden swing chair beside Carlisle and sighed . "I woke up with this massive bump on my head and I have no idea how I got it !" , she said casually, flicking her wild bronze ringlets out of her dark eyes .

Carlisle placed a bookmark in the middle of the thick book he had been pouring over and looked at her in confusion , "Don't you remember ?" he asked ,astounded .

"Remember what ?"

"What happened last night!"

"... What _did_ happen last night?"

Carlisle sighed and crossed his arms ,his skin twinkled in the light of the setting sun (It was kind of gay actually ) . Inclining his head to the road just beyond the garden fence he said,

"See that man there, you know the really obscenely morbidly obese one with the hairy nipples and musty smell "?

"Yeahhh",she replied ,suddenly noticing an obscenely fat man with hairy nipples sauntering past .

"Well he raped you"

"WHAT!"

"Yeah and then you shaved of all of your hair and sold it to the wig maker and used the money to buy gold teeth."

Renesmee looked at him , trying to find some hint of humor in his face .

"Are you sure "?

But he didn't even pause ,he was on a roll

And then you know those machines they use to make fake rain in movies ? Well you rented some of those , striped of all your clothes and danced around the park singing I'm singing in the rain."

And then some giant eagle came and snatched you up and flew you of to its nest in the forest to feed you to its babies."

"But then terminator and Harry Potter showed up and one of them was all like

Don't worry Renez Ill save you ,and the other one was all like

No ill save her and then Jacob showed up ( you were still on the tree by the way ) and he was all like

Yo HP yo terminator ima go Avada Kedavra on your ass forshnizzel that

then he goes Avada Kedava on their asses and flies away with you into the sunset and onto another tree were you say

Oh thank you here is a token of my gratitude

" You give him all your gold teeth and he says

Oh that's to much ,I cant take all that

so he punches himself in the face grabs all the fallen teeth and shoves them in your mouth but you yell

I don't want to eat your teeth !

**Eat them** !

**NO!**

-bitch

"And so he pushed you out of the tree you started running away but you were soon followed by the giant eagle and her babies , Jacob the terminator , HP, the guy that you rented the rain machines from ,the obscenely fat guy that raped you , the wig maker and MR incredible."

"They chased you as the way down the road to, the loch were

a retarded crab dragged you into its underwater cave and tried to make you its love slave,

But you were all like,

Feck you, I cant breath.

and swam all the way home to your brother EJ and you said casually,

EJ, I want a trampoline

and he replied

Renez we don't have a trampoline in case neighbours think were flying disco balls .

**I want a trampoline** ! s

So you skinned EJ and made him into a trampoline using his bones as a frame his hair for a net then you put all the useless parts like his brain and other internal organs,

in a box and shoved it under the couch.

Then Jacob the giant eagle all her Babies the terminator, HARRY POTTER, the morbidly obese rapist, and the rain machine rental guys and the wannabe crab rapist and mister incredible were all on the front porch shouting,

We want COFFEE WE AWNT COFFEE .! ! !

So you ground up EJ s brain and made it into coffee.

Unfortunately as EJ is the wisest of all beings his brain was too powerful so as soon as they drank it they died.

EJs organ box was stinking up the place so you threw it out the window . Then Jacob jumped up now wearing a gold thong and( nothing else)

Im back bitches !

No your not.

You screeched ,smacking him with an inflated frog

Jacob dies again and you got out the brush and swept all of the bodies neatly into the corner before deciding you wanted another trampoline ,

so you ran all the way down to La Push and body slammed Seth who died immediately on impact.

Then you skinned him ,put all of his organs in box and made him into a trampoline and sold him on Ebay.

Seth didn't want to be a trampoline though so he transformed into a Jet ski and you two jet skied away together into the sunset and lived happily ever after.

Until you fell out of the Seth / jet ski and bumped your head ,which is were the bump came from .

Renesme looked at her grandfather.

the poor girl simply could not understand what had happened that caused the clever ,serious ,gentle man that she known and loved yesterday to become the complete and utter loonbag that sat before her today.

She snapped .

_**WHAT!**_

THAT DOSENT EVEN MAKE SENSE !

HOW COME MY HAIRS STILL HERE AND ALL MY TEETH AND IM NOT NAKED AND MY BROTHER IS NOT A TRAMPOLINE AND SETH IS NOT NOW NOR WAS HE EVER A jET SKI OR A TRAMPOLINE AND HARRY POTTER IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER AND SO IS TERMINATEOR AND MR INCREDIBLE AND JACOBS FROM LA PUSH NOT L.A AND WERE THE HELL WOULD YOU RENT A RAIN MACHINE AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON ANYWAY AND HOW COULD I SAY FECK YOU I CANT BREATH IF I COULDNT BREATH AND IN WHAT WORLD IS EJ THE WISEST OF ALL BEINGS !

She was breathing heavily ,her lungs trying to recover from her rant. Finally after a long pause filled only by the sound of crickets chirping she asked ,

" Are you high ."

"I don't think so".

He sniffed his armpit " No definitely not"."

Are you? ",

he said casually as though asking her of tomorrows weather.

" Nooo but it would explain a lot if I was! "

"Hey maybe were both so high we re hallucinating that we exist" Carlisle babbled giddily "

"How could you even... why would you ... that doesn't even..." " Oh _**whatever **_!" she yelled, her brain couldn't' take anymore of this .

She stormed away from her bemused grandfather muttering to her self all the while " stupid old ejit look at him, sitting there with his blond hair and his sparkly skin how gay can you get ! I bet he shaves his legs and paints his nails , _the_ _Gaylord_ ."

"I wonder if Emmet knows what gotten into him ."

So Renesme set off ,back up the lush family garden in search of her uncle , to see if he knew what the hell was going on with Carlisle ,

**There you have it .It was meant to be a one shot but if its well received I will continue . pm me if you have an idea and ill put it in .**

**Did you like it?**

**love ?**

**hate it?**

**Is my grammar atrocious?**

**Am I a comical genius ?**

**Should I give up writing and join DUFFYS CIRCUS ?**

**I want to know !**

**R and R peeps **

**peace out**

- JET


End file.
